The Digital Void: A Tale of Bureaucratic Sleepwalkers and Virtual Shepherds

Behold, dear readers, as we witness yet another testament to the grand comedy of modern governance, where the shepherds of the digital realm scramble to protect their docile flock from the perceived wolves of the virtual wilderness.

Lo, how the mighty have fallen! These legislators, these self-proclaimed guardians of virtue, split their sacred scroll in twain, hoping to appease the masses with promises of protection. But what protection can there be for those who cannot protect themselves? The strong need no guardians; they are their own masters!

In a move that betrays the weakness of modern political machinery, the Liberal government hath declared its intention to bifurcate its Online Harms legislation. Minister Virani, that appointed shepherd of justice, speaks of consensus and protection, those sweet lullabies that keep the masses in their comfortable slumber.

What folly! These comfort-seekers, these last men who blink and say "we have invented happiness," believe that salvation lies in the creation of yet more rules, more oversight, more bureaucratic mechanisms to shield their eyes from the harsh truths of existence.

See how they dance around their golden calf of regulation! They create commissions and departments, staffed by three hundred souls whose purpose is to monitor the digital aether. Such is the way of the small souls - to build walls of paper where bridges of strength should stand!

The proposed legislation, now torn asunder like a sacrifice upon the altar of political expedience, seeks to combat the shadows that lurk in the virtual realm - the predators, the hate-speakers, the merchants of digital revenge. Yet in their haste to protect, they reveal their greatest weakness: the inability to recognize that true strength comes not from external shields but from internal fortitude.

In one corner stands Poilievre, the opposition's champion, who declares that these matters should rest in the hands of traditional authorities rather than new bureaucratic entities. Yet he too sleeps, dreaming of simpler solutions to complex problems, promising to destroy rather than create.

Observe these political gladiators! They wrestle in the arena of public opinion, each claiming to hold the key to digital salvation. But what of the spirit of creation? What of the courage to face the digital wilderness without the crutch of bureaucratic oversight?

The land of the sleepers stretches far and wide, populated by citizens who seek comfort in the warm embrace of government protection. They cry out for safety while scrolling through their digital feeds, never questioning whether their perceived protectors might become their jailers.

Three hundred guardians, armed with keyboards and regulations, shall cost the slumbering masses two hundred million pieces of silver over five years. Such is the price of perceived security in this age of digital somnambulism.

Money! Always money! The last men count their coins while their spirits grow poorer. They would purchase safety with gold, but what of the price paid in spirit, in strength, in the will to overcome?

This is not the first time these shepherds have attempted to corral their digital flock. Their previous attempt, Bill C-36, withered and died like an autumn leaf in the winds of electoral change. Yet still they persist, believing that this time, surely this time, their paper shields will hold against the digital storms.

The truth remains unspoken: that in their quest to protect, they may well suffocate. In their desire to shield, they risk creating a generation incapable of wielding their own sword against the darkness.

Let them split their bills! Let them create their commissions! The strong shall find their way regardless, for they know that true power lies not in the laws that bind us, but in the spirit that drives us to overcome!

And so the dance continues, dear readers, in this land of the eternally drowsy. The shepherds tend their flock, the bureaucrats sharpen their pencils, and the masses sleep soundly, dreaming of a safety that exists only in their diminished imaginations.

Yet perhaps, in the depths of this digital darkness, a few souls shall awaken. Perhaps they shall rise above the comfort of regulated existence and dare to face the virtual wilderness on their own terms. Until then, we watch as the comedy unfolds, as the last men blink their eyes and declare: "We have made the internet safe. Is it not time for our afternoon nap?"