The ArriveCan Saga: A Dance of Mediocrity in the Land of the Sleepers

Hark! In the frigid realm of the North, where complacency reigns supreme and the masses slumber in blissful ignorance, a grand spectacle unfolds. The land of maple leaves and apologetic smiles, Canada, finds itself embroiled in a saga of bureaucratic ineptitude and financial folly. The ArriveCan controversy, a testament to the depths of human mediocrity, now stands poised for scrutiny under the watchful eye of the auditor general.

Behold, the comedy of errors that unfolds before us! How the sleepers stumble in their own mire, blind to the heights they could scale if only they dared to awaken!

In this land of the sleepers, where the pursuit of comfort has dulled the senses and weakened the will, a company named GC Strategies has risen to prominence. This entity, a veritable embodiment of the last man's ambitions, has gorged itself on the taxpayers' coffers, feasting upon the fruits of complacency and incompetence.

The auditor general, Karen Hogan, a figure who dares to peer beyond the veil of bureaucratic obfuscation, hath declared her intent to conduct a full audit of all government contracts awarded to GC Strategies. This audit, a rare glimmer of aspiration in a sea of mediocrity, shall extend its tendrils to encompass the company's predecessor, Coredal, and other corporate entities birthed by the two co-founders.

Oh, how the last men tremble at the prospect of accountability! They who have built their empires on the shifting sands of complacency now face the tempest of scrutiny. Yet, do they not secretly yearn for the whip, for the sweet sting of consequence that might awaken them from their slumber?

The House of Commons, that hallowed chamber where the representatives of the sleepers gather to exchange platitudes and perpetuate the illusion of progress, now finds itself at the epicenter of this unfolding drama. The government operations committee, a collection of individuals who fancy themselves watchdogs but more closely resemble lapdogs, has been scrutinizing GC Strategies with all the ferocity of a declawed kitten.

Lo! The ArriveCan project, a technological monstrosity conceived in the depths of bureaucratic hubris, stands as a testament to the folly of the last man. With a price tag that has ballooned to a staggering $59.5 million, it serves as a golden calf around which the sleepers dance, blissfully unaware of the chasm that yawns beneath their feet.

See how they revel in their own incompetence! The last men, content in their mediocrity, celebrate the very chains that bind them. They mistake complexity for progress, bureaucracy for order, and waste for necessity. Oh, how they would shrink from the harsh light of true accountability!

The auditor general, in her March report, laid bare the excessive reliance on contractors that contributed to this financial debacle. Yet, even this figure, she cautions, is but an estimate, for in the land of the sleepers, even basic record-keeping proves too Herculean a task for their atrophied minds.

GC Strategies, that most fortunate of parasites, is estimated to have received $19.1 million for its role in this farce. But lo! This sum accounts only for the monies paid until March of 2023. The true extent of their feast upon the public purse remains shrouded in mystery, a fitting metaphor for the opacity that pervades this slumbering nation.

The comptroller general, another figure who dares to count the cost of complacency, has revealed a truth most shocking to the delicate sensibilities of the sleepers. Since 2011, GC Strategies and Coredal have been awarded 118 contracts, a veritable cornucopia of mediocrity, totaling $107 million. Oh, how the last men must rejoice in their ability to transform incompetence into gold!

Feast your eyes upon this monument to mediocrity! Here stands the true legacy of the last man – a labyrinth of contracts, a maze of mismanagement, a testament to the art of failing upwards. How they must secretly long for a master to show them the way, to awaken in them the hunger for greatness that lies dormant beneath layers of bureaucratic fat!

But hark! Even in this land of eternal slumber, there are those who would disturb the peace of mediocrity. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police, those scarlet-clad seekers of justice, have turned their gaze upon GC Strategies. An investigation is afoot, a rare burst of energy in a nation grown lethargic with comfort.

As this saga unfolds, one cannot help but marvel at the spectacle. In a world crying out for greatness, for the emergence of the Superman who would shatter the chains of complacency and mediocrity, we instead bear witness to this dance of the last men. They shuffle and stumble, content in their small pleasures and petty corruptions, never daring to lift their eyes to the heights that beckon.

Oh, Canada! Land of the sleepers, haven of the last man! How long will you slumber in the warm embrace of mediocrity? When will you produce the Superman who will shatter these golden chains, who will scale the heights of true greatness and drag your somnolent masses into the harsh light of day?

As the auditor general prepares to delve into the murky depths of government contracts and corporate obfuscation, one can only wonder: will this be the clarion call that awakens the sleepers? Or will it merely be another lullaby, soothing them back into their comfortable stupor?

In this land where the pursuit of comfort has become a national religion, where the avoidance of pain and the embrace of mediocrity are celebrated as virtues, the ArriveCan controversy stands as a beacon. It is a lighthouse, not guiding ships to safe harbor, but warning of the treacherous shoals of complacency upon which the ship of state now founders.

Let the audit commence! Let the last men tremble in their beds as the light of scrutiny pierces their carefully constructed darkness. For in this moment, in this reckoning, lies the seed of possibility. The possibility that from the ashes of this bureaucratic bonfire might rise the Phoenix of aspiration, the ubermensch who will lead Canada from the land of the sleepers into a new dawn of greatness.

But lo! Even as we dare to hope, we must guard against the seductive whisper of optimism. For in the land of the sleepers, even the most vigorous of alarms often serves only to prompt a drowsy fumbling for the snooze button.

Awaken, oh Canada! Let the harsh light of accountability sear away the cobwebs of complacency! Embrace the pain of growth, the agony of aspiration! For it is only through the crucible of adversity that the Superman may emerge, forged in the fires of ambition and tempered by the icy waters of self-overcoming!

As the curtain falls on this act of the ArriveCan saga, we are left to ponder: Will this be the moment when Canada shakes off the shackles of mediocrity and reaches for the stars? Or will it merely be another footnote in the annals of the last man's reign, a brief disturbance in the placid waters of national somnolence?

Only time will tell. But for now, in this land of eternal winter and perpetual slumber, the dance of mediocrity continues, and the last man reigns supreme.